I have to admit, it's getting better.

A little better, all the time.
Even though it's winter I seem to be in a happy spot. Hope I don't jinx it..
Christmas this year was really nice; my mum, her boyfriend, his daughters, and I all went to this ranch resort for Christmas eve. We got there when it was getting dark and took a horse-drawn wagon (sled? carriage?) ride. Then we relaxed for a bit in our lovely lodgings before dinner came around. It was really special to escape the confines of a wasteful city and end up in a place where everything matters and everything has a purpose. Of course, I was all over the big dogs as expected, anyone who knows me wouldn't be surprised. My gifts were amazing, but I don't really feel like going on about those.
Life's just been work, school, dance, boy. But I think things are improving so a tentative cheer is being let out.
Ever notice how I tend to use passive writing when talking about good things? Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Samhain/etc, nonexistent readers! I still have my Russian Christmas to look forward to.
Forever,
N

My Personal Iceberg

is nearing its breaking point. I've cried three times in the past five days, had one panic attack, and I don't know what will happen next. It's cold and lonely now, on my iceberg. I hope the polar bears can find somewhere to live.
Forever,
N

Angstangstangst.

Seems that life's out to abuse my indecisiveness as much as possible! I have to choose sometimes between submitting to the boring reality of school and schoolish activities but not suffering, and living a superbly interesting life out of school, filled with endless guessing and suffering on my part. I have to, apparently, choose between looking hideously out of style when I go to my father's place but not getting reprimanded for it (while being thought of as fashion-inept), and wearing fashionable clothing that's a bit worse for wear (budget constraints) and being yelled at for "knowing better than to look like this" and "why am I paying ____$ a month in child support for you to walk around like this? you're supposed to know!"
I can go on but I won't. I suppose my nonexistent readers would tire of such gloomy stories, but seeing as my readers are nonexistent I may as well just tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Yes, lovelies, life isn't all happy for me. That's not to say it's all bad, either, but at the moment the scales are heavier on the negativity than not.
I may write something cheery when it arises..

Matters of unimportance to all of my readers.

I botched the first chance I was given to ask, and I can definitely imagine how the second time will go:
You: So.. any concerns?
Me: No, I think I'm pretty good in terms of everything. There's no way you can get me to believe that you have been telling everyone you're not interested.
You: ... ... Yeah. That's pretty much how it is.
Me: Well it's not the worst thing. It's not like you just want me out of your life all of a sudden. That I couldn't live with.
You: Actually..
Me: Let me guess. I just said it.
You: ... ... Yeah.
Me: So. What now?

To be continued? I really hope this doesn't play out.

So this is a new year.

I've recently started wondering which is more unbearable, what hurts the most:
Not talking to you, or
talking to you but not really talking.
What's wrong?

----------------
Now playing: The Beatles - I Me Mine
via FoxyTunes

Just a quickie.

Don't forget, chin up. Everyone goes through shit but things work out.. I promise!

----------------
Now playing: City and Colour - As Much as I Ever Could
via FoxyTunes

This is not a virgin fest post.

PREAMBLE: Even though Virgin Festival already happened and I have tons of stuff to write about, that is definitely not what I am posting right now. It's just something I don't want to forget, more personal than for reading pleasure. It's someone's birthday tomorrow, you may know her. I hope things turn out well. Better than last year, maybe, maybe not..
END OF PREAMBLE.

Both songs by Great Lake Swimmers

Everything Is Moving So Fast

What sort of pressure and what kind of force
must there have been to drive you here?
Was it uplifting or was it deformed?
Faulting and rifting, you folded.

What does it feel like to fall
in slow motion despite it all?
There's no time to think it through
when we're connected over the blue.

Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.
Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.

What sort of wisdom and what kind of thought
must here have been to scatter you?
So far and random, your heavenly bodies
still see the faint light in your eyes.

What does it feel like to fall
in slow motion despite it all?
There's no time to think it through
when we're connected over the blue.

Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.
Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.
Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.
Everything is moving so fast.
I am unlimited.


Your Rocky Spine (favourite song at the moment, or one of them)

I was lost in the lakes
And the shape that your body makes
That your body makes

And the mountains said I could find you here
They whisper the snow and the leaves in my ear
I traced my finger along your trails
Your body was the map
I was lost in there

Floating over your rocky spine
The glaciers made you and now you're mine

I was moving across your frozen veneer
The sky was dark
But you were clear
Could you feel my footsteps?
And would you shatter, would you shatter?
Would you?

Your soft fingers between my claws
Like purity against resolve
I could tell then there that we were formed from the clay
And came from the rocks for earth to display

They told me to be careful up there
Where the wind rages through your hair

Forever,
N
Especially to you. You know who you are and always will.

Measuring only in days.

Life is equal parts shit and heaven right now.
This summer is quickly becoming no exception to my pattern of having a spectacular vacation to pine after during the school year. New additions to take note of:
-Orange blossoms (mum says they're mock orange?) are some of the best-smelling flowers out there.
-Smelling the sunshine, the heat, whatever you call it. Especially when I walked up to my room one afternoon and it almost reeked of the smell.
-Hand-me-down antiques from my mum's friend.
-Camping with my chums out near Bragg Creek and learning new games.
-Another one that I really shouldn't mention.
So, finally, my laptop is being fixed ever since a certain parent broke it in December. But all my music that was on there = kaput. All the music that I'll probably never find ever again. Shit. Thanks, mum.
On a lighter note, I'll be going to Virgin Festival on the 8 and 9 of August, so if any of you know which city I'm in and would be interested, come find me and say hi one of the days. I'm daring enough to post my picture, go ahead and stalk me!
On a darker note, I am absolutely flipping shit because I think I may have a UTI. Not an STI, silly ones, but a UTI. Look it up. I realllllly hope it's just me freaking out for no good reason, the fried nerves would totally be worth it. Pray for me, send good wishes, whatever you do, so that I'm clean.
Sailing in two days, which bites cos I just got guesswhattimeofthemonthitis today, and it lasts a week. After that, I'm off to counselor in training camp to learn about how to act around small children and always sing in tune at campfires and such (how do camp counselors DO that??? Always in tune!)
I worry so much! Please don't be angry.

I never forget about you, Julian.

Well, another year is officially over. This was one of the special ones, no doubt about it. I think of all my years of school, I cried at school the greatest number of times this year. It was also one of the years I could bear the easiest, of course with help from numerous people who helped make everything better. I've sustained physical and emotional wounds, mostly healed except for the one from making guacamole. My thumbnail is growing back freakishly.
Exams weren't the easiest, not that many people care, but this is my version of the constant Facebook updates and real-life chatter about exam grievances, hope it's easier to swallow. I wouldn't put it on my cereal, but I can take it. (Are you reading this? Eek!)
Virgin Fest post will happen, I promise, the thing is that Virgin Fest itself hasn't happened yet!
It's the time to walk with lilacs brushing past in all their pretty shades, white ones looking like shredded coconuts, violet ones, blue ones, lavender, lavender with white trim, how many colours can there be? I want to see them all. I love walking past all the greenery, touching it, seeing it. Maybe it's just summer in general. Does anyone else feel this way? This euphoria that's almost unstoppable.
Maybe all that stuff that few people take seriously should really be taken seriously be more. I'm part of the minority, though, I need no convincing. I'm a fire sign, I get such an energy boost from just being in bright fiery sunlight. No pale weak winter sunshine for me, no sirree. I'd rather just not have any if it's not passionate. This can be applied to pretty much every other aspect of my life. Maybe this is the way it is for every sign, are they true to their signs in such ways? Is everyone so powerfully influenced, or is it a select group?
Julian, Julian, Julian! It's silly how much I like that name. I want to name my son that, if I ever have a son. Listening to you sing for a year and a half now. Just when you've snuck into a quieter corner of my mind, where the constant music is more distant, I find your music again. Helps me through tough stuff. I never forget about you, Julian. I don't even know why I'm babbling for so bloody long, forgive me, few readers if any. I think it's out of nervousness.
Forever,
N

Lilacs are lovely

I'm terribly sorry to all those readers for being unable to write so long, I'm setting myself up for blogging failure. As well, I forgot about May 18. This otherwise unimportant date was when I began this blog a year ago. I was worried that it wouldn't last for more than a few weeks, but I guess it's still breathing. Life is full of surprises, and I'm coming to accept all kinds of surprises. There have been some particularly nice surprises as of late. I hope that one surprise in particular will last through the entire summer if not longer, I'd really be heartbroken if it doesn't. All I need is some understanding and compassion from a certain parent's side. My little surprise has been helping me so much, I've been getting better grades and feeling happier overall. I'd be in such a hole if not for it.
Summer's here, it's beautiful. Exams are almost over, I'm not really stressing too much because I'm not like that. I'm prepared. For the first little while, when everything finally turned green and the buds were breaking open into the sunlight, my eyes almost always felt like crying out of joy. It was like a gift, every glance at nature, and it still feels like that. I've noticed that nearly everyone is happier when this time of year rolls around.. Thinking it's the weather. My question now is: what about places with excellent weather pretty much year-round? Are these people constantly in a happier state of mind? I wouldn't doubt it. Imagine, though.
I keep on forgetting to write about this earlier, finally I can sit down and do this. A little while ago, I was taking our public train and as we pulled up to this one station there was some music, evidently being played around the station. It was really happy, colourful music, and when we finally stopped I saw that it was this busker with a mic and a guitar. He didn't look impoverished, his beard was trimmed and he had nice clean clothing on. He was middle-aged, with I think a Tilley hat on, and some glasses. He looked vaguely like Robin Williams but maybe a little bit chubbier, just as happy though. That was what struck me. This man was so happy, and his music was happy, he seemed to be having the most fun out of all of us just playing away and smiling, singing and smiling, tipping his hat and smiling, all sincere. I've seen him around downtown a few times, but that time really struck me, mainly out of contrast with my surroundings. It was far from my first sighting of him, but this time, crammed with all these solemn-looking people of all stripes, in the middle of all this concrete and prefab glamour, this seemed like one of the only real things downtown. The real emotion, the real happiness. It made me smile for the rest of my day, and I hadn't been having the best one. I'll try not to forget him, and if I see him downtown again I'd need to talk to him and tell him how much he's affected me. If you recognise him, by chance, then stop and take a listen, maybe give some change, he really deserves it. The boldness, the courage in being yourself in such a cold concrete world is priceless but it can't always pay the bills.
Forever,
N

I don't even know why I'm so happy, but it's still a good thing.

Went to my friend's llama farm for a party, and my time was spent about evenly between playing Rock Band (surprisingly not lame), going on the trampoline, and laughing.. Most fun I've have with friends in a long time.
I feel this sudden immense rush of calm pulsating inside of me; maybe it's apathy to the outside world, maybe it's a pacifier that makes everything feel alright, but whatever it is I am enjoying it, and I am curious to see what people will see in my eyes in this present state.
It's almost as if I am in a constant state of waking up, I am almost drowsy but still aware of everything, nothing is really stirring me up too much. What's this sudden glow I feel?
Every year the winter months just seem to pass quietly, everything is blurred into one winter, one blank planet, one cold wind, and some silent snowy nights. But when things warm up, it always feels like it's my first time seeing everything bloom and chirp and what have you. My walks are always awe-filled, touching the leaves drenched in the sticky sweat of coming out from hibernation, looking at the sunsets so suddenly filled with emotion as compared to the cold-hearted pastels of a wintry sky.
This year is really no different in that respect, but I just thought it'd be worth taking note of for my 2 and a half readers.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Forever,
N

Listen: Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine

Guess what? I'm still more or less where I was at the previous entry! Except that I went to Victoria and Vancouver, which made me temporarily happier. It was definitely an exciting experience, and I really enjoyed being surrounded by greenery (whenever our school band wasn't playing in a school) and liberals. Apparently out of many people who came back looking not too swell, I actually looked refreshed. No surprise. But something kind of happened to me out there. I was actually happy, truly happy, happy with where I was and what I was doing. Everything was beautiful, and the ocean was nearby. That buzz has worn off with the week, although that's still fine. I'm falling a bit sick, but ah well.
I'm so glad that the year is almost over. It's been a very interesting one, with the majority of it passing by in a blur (so cliche) that was mainly summed up by a boy or two, with some major meltdowns and stuff here and there. I can't wait for that shady spot in the midst of blistering heat, the rose among the thorns. My summer.
Still thinking about you.

I am happy.

Because of the times

I've really quite had it with the endless barren landscapes and cold characters and frightening shadows and stomach lurching and blushing when I'm not supposed to and snow constantly covering everything that could be beautiful if given the chance and the rules and obligations that really amount to nothing and don't directly affect my life and the glances that aren't supposed to exist and the preconceived assumptions and distorted reality and wanting such a simple thing as a certain human voice directed towards me so badly that it's almost perverse and my inability to look at people for too long. I will give so much away if given the chance.
Forever,
N

Rant Alert!

Sometimes solitude is the easiest thing to swallow. I can listen to an entire CD without stopping. I can slouch, I can think, really think, think hard about lots of tough subjects. Best of all, I don't have to talk. The majority of people whom I know expect me to keep up a constant stream of meaningless chatter. I'd much rather just not say anything at all if I truly have nothing to say.

I'm not a big fan of teenage fads involving morality. Proudly announcing your "atheism"/lack of spirituality, I'm talking to you. Pretending to be bisexual when in fact the idea of kissing someone of the same sex grosses you out, I'm talking to you. Who ever decided that such things are hip? Why? Did they even realise that this makes all adolescents appear to be cold, callous hypocrites? A fair amount of teens have no idea of what kind of facts could back their ideas up so as to not sound ridiculous and have it be true. Since when has closed-minded refusal of any abstracts been alright? What happened to people with open minds and hearts? It's awfully lonely, when people everywhere have pretty much forgotten about the idea that you don't have to see something to believe in it. What we see are ads for dating companies that promise your soulmate is heterosexual, and "badass" kids who don't believe in anything but themselves once they've made themselves up and bought some nice new grungy-looking clothes from Hot Topic, so as to look even more lifeless than their long-dead sense of romance and wonder. Are you going to believe it just like everyone else? Please!

Phew.
Forever,
N

Let's play a little game

It's called the What If game, and I ask questions that my 2.5 readers are supposed to answer via telepathy.. I've decided to try and live up to this blog's byline. Here we go.
What if... he meant what he said?
What if... he thought about me?
What if... I could see him again?
What if... he didn't want to?
What if... he did?
What if... things would be like they were before? But better?
What if... I didn't make a complete fool of myself?
Do I have any right to be asking such questions?
Forever,
N

Dial your number, you block my call, your back is my wailing wall.

I've been in some sort of funk the past few days. The kind of funk where you're so spacey you accidentally end up brushing your teeth for three extra minutes because you're thinking about something else. Or maybe that's just me. In any case, it would be hard not to write about the goings-on in my little world.
Last week there was some drama in that I completely broke down and let nearly everything out, every emotion, every problem, every struggle that has been clinging to my innards for a while. Not only this, but I had a very serious talk with my mum in which I told her I don't want to live with her anymore. This was all at my friend's house. After arguing for quite a while, a third party talked some sense into her, and the next day she came to pick me up, apparently having been changed. I was so afraid of being alone with her in that car, but she has legal right over me so I had to go. Things turned out to be better. She has calmed down a great deal, and is pretty much unrecognisable from the parent I used to have. At least for now. But I'm happy, because now I know that if I need to run, it'll be much less of a deal than before. I won't have a ton of emotional roadblocks deterring me.
On the more romantic side of things, everything has fallen apart. I had almost completely kicked the habit of thinking about him, when brief contact was made. It isn't completely unexpected. I told everyone the truth; that if he talks to me, I'll be hopeless. It's so true that I think I should become a fortune-teller or one of those people that predicts trends. Ha. Ha. Even worse, he didn't seem to particularly mind me! Ah, things would be different if he hated me. I'd stay away and almost completely forget him. I say almost because I won't technically be actually able to forget him, because of how much of an imprint he has made in my memory. I know my own feelings, as possibly stated in earlier posts, it tends to be the only thing I'm really ever sure of, but these conflict immensely with the fact that I don't want to be on his bad side. I don't want to irritate him, but he doesn't seem irritated. Maybe he's just polite, but I believe he is the sort of person who is capable of expressing their opinion about people regardless of repercussions. He probably has tons just like me. Why do I always secretly try to convince myself that he doesn't, though? Where's the sense in that? Oh, wait, I forgot. I don't really make a lot of sense anyways. I'm quite possibly one of the least rational/objective people that one could get to know.
I'll write when I might make more sense.
Forever,
N
P.S. It's spring.

Smoking and Chandeliers

I've recently been feeling as though I'm changing. And not in the sense that I have some new clothing..
I've started to curl my hair sometimes, and I paint my toenails. I feel more feminine. It used to be that the one concept I abhorred in life was girlishness, but now it's the exact opposite; I absolutely detest butch girls. I never was one, yet I still felt their behaviour was justifiable. It isn't if they're straight, because if they are then they might begin having romantic feelings about the opposite sex, which they are so similar to, and then they start bitching about why boys don't consider them "anything more than a friend"... I hate to completely demolish history with what may be conceived as teenage pomposity and ego, but I really do believe the answer is painfully clear. Opposites attract, you she-man! Find yourself a girly boy or be a bisexual's part-time fag hag, part-time lover, or change yourself so that a normal self-respecting heterosexual male might have the tiniest of interests in you, unless you're hopelessly obese and don't want to even think about losing weight because of how hard it makes you sweat. Enough of that, my intent was not to unleash an angry tirade and lose my 2.5 readers.
This time when my dad smoked a cigarette, I made no comment. For the first time in my life. I was quietly astonished at myself, but I guess my viewpoints have changed greatly. I actually quite like the smell of cigarette smoke, I have my whole life. It reminds me of my grandfather. It's new to have my dad openly smoke. It's not that I have turned apathetic all of a sudden. I have come to realise that I can't make anyone quit anything, I have no such influence. People have their reasons for doing things, and I am beginning to see why he smokes. I tried one once. If someone wants to keep on doing this, I'll mind my own business. Especially if I like the smell.
My mom got a new chandelier for the house, and she had this man that she's been on a few dates with to help her set it up. I know what any of you 2.5 readers may be thinking, but my mom isn't like that. They haven't even held hands yet, it's adorable. I went over to pick up a Duran Duran disc I wanted to listen to, and I finally got to meet him. He's a very nice man, and the pictures do him no justice whatsoever. He looks much kinder in person. And boy am I ever happy that he's not European. I hope the chandelier gets set up and they can have a nice time together. My mom needs to stop making comments that allude to my weight, or my fatness. It was not the most pleasant thing when she did this in front of the guy, and I was furious because I knew that she was trying to show off and look cool. Well, bitch, two can play at that game! I hushed her up by not being amused and questioning her, then telling her off in Russian. It wasn't awkward, the guy was figuring out the chandelier.
Everything's kind of slowly turning, but in the way that one can't notice the earth turning in the course of a day. I can't stop it, but I have finally accepted that I am hurling myself forwards, forwards, forwards, with no regard for how drastic the changes are. Self-discovery? I don't think so, and I never want to discover myself.
I want to be an enigma.
Forever,
N

I'm Growing Out My Hair.. And The Length Of These Posts. Maybe.

It's true, I've decided to.
Really happy about the fact that I'm drawing again. I have discovered that when I draw (doodle?) I have a thing for drawing trees. Sometimes really whimsical with long curling tendrils of branches, other times just typical angular trees. Their branches (I like to think of them as arms and fingers or claws) are always bare, though, and they always look kind of unrealistic, which is fine by me. I find that I have been cured of the typical, perversely short attention span that is the bane of not only modern-day society, the same people who can't enjoy and sit through the entirety of a ballet, but especially of teenagers such as I, or how I used to be. I let out all my nervous-angry-worried-hyper energy through drawing the branches, and sub-branches, and twigs...etc.
Among other things I can almost do the splits! I have been stretching twice everyday. Maybe not even for dance, just for kicks. I have been inspired by this 50 or 60-something year-old woman at the dance studio, and to watch her practice is amazing. She can jump into the splits JUSTLIKETHIS. If it's effortless to her, and she's kind of rotund, mind you, then imagine what I can do when I lose some weight!
I may've improved my attention span in some areas, but I guess not in my blogging. Oh well..
I've found that I have been frequently imagining things. Not in the hallucinogenic sense, but in the sense that I like to pretend a lot. Sometimes I just switch the situation that I'm in, if it would have the same surroundings, and my feelings can change with it. For example, if I'm lying in bed and I can't see outside but it's bright and sunny, I can pretend it's summer when it's really a perfect hell outside.
This is what I have learned, but I have not yet learned how to control my feelings. What a pity.

The Benefits of Perfume

Problem: He has a girlfriend.
Solution: I should be getting rid of him and his thoughts, right?

Problem: I can't seem to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, GODDAMMIT.
Solution: God help me, I know of none.

This is all very strange to me, but I comfort myself with my knowledge that one cannot control their emotions. It is almost like my mantra, I tell it to myself with undeniable guilt as I end up daydreaming that he might talk to me.
I can see it now, the headline, Once-Free Girl Trapped Because Of Older Man. Absolutely inescapable. Inexorable spirit, leave me once, leave me again, leave me for ever! Seize your powers over me, give them to someone else, for if you have no use of me, then make it final! Do not leave me guessing, this suffering is horrendous.
I know you will never know or read any of this. I know it, I know it, but I don't want to understand. One day if you could just put me out of my misery and show me how bad you are for me, I would be so happy.
Until that day comes, I will have my perfume to distract me, as well as the star above my bed, and I will have the moon and the real stars. Someday I will go out into the night and I will meet with you. I promise.

So This is the New Year.

Currently listening to: Walk Away From A Good Thing - The Bicycles

RESOLUTIONS:
-Continue and expand use of good vocabulary
-Do the best I possibly can in school and ballroom, while managing my time
-Get fit for ballroom, do stretching each day
-Read more
-Drink more water
-Express only my true feelings (exceptions only in dire situations) always in a polite and polished manner
And the last one that WILL be impossible..
-Find an attractive, intellectually stimulating guy and get to know him better WITHOUT jumping into a relationship.

Feelings about 2008:
2008 was definitely interesting, I can say that much. It was a leap year, how could it not be interesting? Now they're supposed to be unlucky, but mine was the opposite. I actually really enjoyed this past year, for once.

Highlights of 2008:
1. Being in Mexico for New Year.
2. Getting my act more or less somewhat together in brief periods during school.
3. Going to Montmartre, going to various art museums, and eating very good crepes in Paris, as well as our tiny hotel room there.
4. Going to Tate Modern, a musical based on Queen, Oxford Street, and Soho in London. Same with the hotel room.
5. Virgin Festival, especially day one, except for seeing my old Humanities teacher both days.
6. Lazing about, eating amazing sushi, drinking the best smoothies, and meeting the sweetest boy in Penticton.. as well as the line I received from some random guy who turned out to be extremely attractive: "I've noticed you're wearing shorts, and so am I.. let's date!"
7. Kasota, especially sailing week even though in my case it would be called failing week. (That one was for you, Alexis)
8. Enjoying a relationship and then ending it.
9. Becoming better friends with better people.
10. Jingle Bell Rock!
11. My two other birthday festivities.
12. Really loving Bob Marley.
13. All my gifts. Especially being invited to the JUNIOR BALLROOM TEAM.

I'm somewhat content with most of the dealings in my life nowadays; I seem to be getting a grip on things. This may also be due to the EXTREME lack of attractive males in my life, hence an increase of focus onto such unromantic things as exponent laws. Said lack may be an indefinite sentence.
See, there is this one guy. But I don't know him too well. What I do know so far, though, is that he actually reads, he takes care of himself, his music taste is amazing, and he definitely makes me laugh. Plus he's really sweet and I would say chivalrous, as well.
The problem is... Let's just say, for privacy's sake, that our lives are different. He is more of the one conquest after another type of guy, and I'm more of the passionate infatuation type of girl. I'm wanting exclusivity, or close to it, and it's almost certain he isn't like that. Along with this, I am extremely jealous in this one area! In every other aspect of my life I am not like this, but when it comes to guys, I am quite possibly the most seething, possessive little bitch there ever was. I cannot STAND when other girls so much as get friendly with the object of my affection. I know it's irrational, and I know it's a fact of life, seeing as I have guy friends too, but I can't help it. It's also a self-esteem thing, because I worry that I am not good enough, that this girl is better than I am, and will sweep him off his feet, leaving me in the dust. I don't put my envy into action, though. That is one thing I stay away from. I just keep it inside, and that's the extent it will ever reach.
So this wonderful, darling boy. I am keeping my distance, because I am worried that I am coming on too strong. But my hope is diminished significantly because I have been waiting... and waiting... and waiting. I would give up completely, but the romantic in me keeps waiting for this guy.
Is it worth it? I'm unsure. But at the moment there are really no other romantic interests in my life. And yes, I am unfortunately one of those people who can't live without romance.
Wish me luck.