Smoking and Chandeliers

I've recently been feeling as though I'm changing. And not in the sense that I have some new clothing..
I've started to curl my hair sometimes, and I paint my toenails. I feel more feminine. It used to be that the one concept I abhorred in life was girlishness, but now it's the exact opposite; I absolutely detest butch girls. I never was one, yet I still felt their behaviour was justifiable. It isn't if they're straight, because if they are then they might begin having romantic feelings about the opposite sex, which they are so similar to, and then they start bitching about why boys don't consider them "anything more than a friend"... I hate to completely demolish history with what may be conceived as teenage pomposity and ego, but I really do believe the answer is painfully clear. Opposites attract, you she-man! Find yourself a girly boy or be a bisexual's part-time fag hag, part-time lover, or change yourself so that a normal self-respecting heterosexual male might have the tiniest of interests in you, unless you're hopelessly obese and don't want to even think about losing weight because of how hard it makes you sweat. Enough of that, my intent was not to unleash an angry tirade and lose my 2.5 readers.
This time when my dad smoked a cigarette, I made no comment. For the first time in my life. I was quietly astonished at myself, but I guess my viewpoints have changed greatly. I actually quite like the smell of cigarette smoke, I have my whole life. It reminds me of my grandfather. It's new to have my dad openly smoke. It's not that I have turned apathetic all of a sudden. I have come to realise that I can't make anyone quit anything, I have no such influence. People have their reasons for doing things, and I am beginning to see why he smokes. I tried one once. If someone wants to keep on doing this, I'll mind my own business. Especially if I like the smell.
My mom got a new chandelier for the house, and she had this man that she's been on a few dates with to help her set it up. I know what any of you 2.5 readers may be thinking, but my mom isn't like that. They haven't even held hands yet, it's adorable. I went over to pick up a Duran Duran disc I wanted to listen to, and I finally got to meet him. He's a very nice man, and the pictures do him no justice whatsoever. He looks much kinder in person. And boy am I ever happy that he's not European. I hope the chandelier gets set up and they can have a nice time together. My mom needs to stop making comments that allude to my weight, or my fatness. It was not the most pleasant thing when she did this in front of the guy, and I was furious because I knew that she was trying to show off and look cool. Well, bitch, two can play at that game! I hushed her up by not being amused and questioning her, then telling her off in Russian. It wasn't awkward, the guy was figuring out the chandelier.
Everything's kind of slowly turning, but in the way that one can't notice the earth turning in the course of a day. I can't stop it, but I have finally accepted that I am hurling myself forwards, forwards, forwards, with no regard for how drastic the changes are. Self-discovery? I don't think so, and I never want to discover myself.
I want to be an enigma.
Forever,
N