It's true, I've decided to.
Really happy about the fact that I'm drawing again. I have discovered that when I draw (doodle?) I have a thing for drawing trees. Sometimes really whimsical with long curling tendrils of branches, other times just typical angular trees. Their branches (I like to think of them as arms and fingers or claws) are always bare, though, and they always look kind of unrealistic, which is fine by me. I find that I have been cured of the typical, perversely short attention span that is the bane of not only modern-day society, the same people who can't enjoy and sit through the entirety of a ballet, but especially of teenagers such as I, or how I used to be. I let out all my nervous-angry-worried-hyper energy through drawing the branches, and sub-branches, and twigs...etc.
Among other things I can almost do the splits! I have been stretching twice everyday. Maybe not even for dance, just for kicks. I have been inspired by this 50 or 60-something year-old woman at the dance studio, and to watch her practice is amazing. She can jump into the splits JUSTLIKETHIS. If it's effortless to her, and she's kind of rotund, mind you, then imagine what I can do when I lose some weight!
I may've improved my attention span in some areas, but I guess not in my blogging. Oh well..
I've found that I have been frequently imagining things. Not in the hallucinogenic sense, but in the sense that I like to pretend a lot. Sometimes I just switch the situation that I'm in, if it would have the same surroundings, and my feelings can change with it. For example, if I'm lying in bed and I can't see outside but it's bright and sunny, I can pretend it's summer when it's really a perfect hell outside.
This is what I have learned, but I have not yet learned how to control my feelings. What a pity.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Benefits of Perfume
Problem: He has a girlfriend.
Solution: I should be getting rid of him and his thoughts, right?
Problem: I can't seem to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, GODDAMMIT.
Solution: God help me, I know of none.
This is all very strange to me, but I comfort myself with my knowledge that one cannot control their emotions. It is almost like my mantra, I tell it to myself with undeniable guilt as I end up daydreaming that he might talk to me.
I can see it now, the headline, Once-Free Girl Trapped Because Of Older Man. Absolutely inescapable. Inexorable spirit, leave me once, leave me again, leave me for ever! Seize your powers over me, give them to someone else, for if you have no use of me, then make it final! Do not leave me guessing, this suffering is horrendous.
I know you will never know or read any of this. I know it, I know it, but I don't want to understand. One day if you could just put me out of my misery and show me how bad you are for me, I would be so happy.
Until that day comes, I will have my perfume to distract me, as well as the star above my bed, and I will have the moon and the real stars. Someday I will go out into the night and I will meet with you. I promise.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
So This is the New Year.
Currently listening to: Walk Away From A Good Thing - The Bicycles
RESOLUTIONS:
-Continue and expand use of good vocabulary
-Do the best I possibly can in school and ballroom, while managing my time
-Get fit for ballroom, do stretching each day
-Read more
-Drink more water
-Express only my true feelings (exceptions only in dire situations) always in a polite and polished manner
And the last one that WILL be impossible..
-Find an attractive, intellectually stimulating guy and get to know him better WITHOUT jumping into a relationship.
Feelings about 2008:
2008 was definitely interesting, I can say that much. It was a leap year, how could it not be interesting? Now they're supposed to be unlucky, but mine was the opposite. I actually really enjoyed this past year, for once.
Highlights of 2008:
1. Being in Mexico for New Year.
2. Getting my act more or less somewhat together in brief periods during school.
3. Going to Montmartre, going to various art museums, and eating very good crepes in Paris, as well as our tiny hotel room there.
4. Going to Tate Modern, a musical based on Queen, Oxford Street, and Soho in London. Same with the hotel room.
5. Virgin Festival, especially day one, except for seeing my old Humanities teacher both days.
6. Lazing about, eating amazing sushi, drinking the best smoothies, and meeting the sweetest boy in Penticton.. as well as the line I received from some random guy who turned out to be extremely attractive: "I've noticed you're wearing shorts, and so am I.. let's date!"
7. Kasota, especially sailing week even though in my case it would be called failing week. (That one was for you, Alexis)
8. Enjoying a relationship and then ending it.
9. Becoming better friends with better people.
10. Jingle Bell Rock!
11. My two other birthday festivities.
12. Really loving Bob Marley.
13. All my gifts. Especially being invited to the JUNIOR BALLROOM TEAM.
I'm somewhat content with most of the dealings in my life nowadays; I seem to be getting a grip on things. This may also be due to the EXTREME lack of attractive males in my life, hence an increase of focus onto such unromantic things as exponent laws. Said lack may be an indefinite sentence.
See, there is this one guy. But I don't know him too well. What I do know so far, though, is that he actually reads, he takes care of himself, his music taste is amazing, and he definitely makes me laugh. Plus he's really sweet and I would say chivalrous, as well.
The problem is... Let's just say, for privacy's sake, that our lives are different. He is more of the one conquest after another type of guy, and I'm more of the passionate infatuation type of girl. I'm wanting exclusivity, or close to it, and it's almost certain he isn't like that. Along with this, I am extremely jealous in this one area! In every other aspect of my life I am not like this, but when it comes to guys, I am quite possibly the most seething, possessive little bitch there ever was. I cannot STAND when other girls so much as get friendly with the object of my affection. I know it's irrational, and I know it's a fact of life, seeing as I have guy friends too, but I can't help it. It's also a self-esteem thing, because I worry that I am not good enough, that this girl is better than I am, and will sweep him off his feet, leaving me in the dust. I don't put my envy into action, though. That is one thing I stay away from. I just keep it inside, and that's the extent it will ever reach.
So this wonderful, darling boy. I am keeping my distance, because I am worried that I am coming on too strong. But my hope is diminished significantly because I have been waiting... and waiting... and waiting. I would give up completely, but the romantic in me keeps waiting for this guy.
Is it worth it? I'm unsure. But at the moment there are really no other romantic interests in my life. And yes, I am unfortunately one of those people who can't live without romance.
Wish me luck.
RESOLUTIONS:
-Continue and expand use of good vocabulary
-Do the best I possibly can in school and ballroom, while managing my time
-Get fit for ballroom, do stretching each day
-Read more
-Drink more water
-Express only my true feelings (exceptions only in dire situations) always in a polite and polished manner
And the last one that WILL be impossible..
-Find an attractive, intellectually stimulating guy and get to know him better WITHOUT jumping into a relationship.
Feelings about 2008:
2008 was definitely interesting, I can say that much. It was a leap year, how could it not be interesting? Now they're supposed to be unlucky, but mine was the opposite. I actually really enjoyed this past year, for once.
Highlights of 2008:
1. Being in Mexico for New Year.
2. Getting my act more or less somewhat together in brief periods during school.
3. Going to Montmartre, going to various art museums, and eating very good crepes in Paris, as well as our tiny hotel room there.
4. Going to Tate Modern, a musical based on Queen, Oxford Street, and Soho in London. Same with the hotel room.
5. Virgin Festival, especially day one, except for seeing my old Humanities teacher both days.
6. Lazing about, eating amazing sushi, drinking the best smoothies, and meeting the sweetest boy in Penticton.. as well as the line I received from some random guy who turned out to be extremely attractive: "I've noticed you're wearing shorts, and so am I.. let's date!"
7. Kasota, especially sailing week even though in my case it would be called failing week. (That one was for you, Alexis)
8. Enjoying a relationship and then ending it.
9. Becoming better friends with better people.
10. Jingle Bell Rock!
11. My two other birthday festivities.
12. Really loving Bob Marley.
13. All my gifts. Especially being invited to the JUNIOR BALLROOM TEAM.
I'm somewhat content with most of the dealings in my life nowadays; I seem to be getting a grip on things. This may also be due to the EXTREME lack of attractive males in my life, hence an increase of focus onto such unromantic things as exponent laws. Said lack may be an indefinite sentence.
See, there is this one guy. But I don't know him too well. What I do know so far, though, is that he actually reads, he takes care of himself, his music taste is amazing, and he definitely makes me laugh. Plus he's really sweet and I would say chivalrous, as well.
The problem is... Let's just say, for privacy's sake, that our lives are different. He is more of the one conquest after another type of guy, and I'm more of the passionate infatuation type of girl. I'm wanting exclusivity, or close to it, and it's almost certain he isn't like that. Along with this, I am extremely jealous in this one area! In every other aspect of my life I am not like this, but when it comes to guys, I am quite possibly the most seething, possessive little bitch there ever was. I cannot STAND when other girls so much as get friendly with the object of my affection. I know it's irrational, and I know it's a fact of life, seeing as I have guy friends too, but I can't help it. It's also a self-esteem thing, because I worry that I am not good enough, that this girl is better than I am, and will sweep him off his feet, leaving me in the dust. I don't put my envy into action, though. That is one thing I stay away from. I just keep it inside, and that's the extent it will ever reach.
So this wonderful, darling boy. I am keeping my distance, because I am worried that I am coming on too strong. But my hope is diminished significantly because I have been waiting... and waiting... and waiting. I would give up completely, but the romantic in me keeps waiting for this guy.
Is it worth it? I'm unsure. But at the moment there are really no other romantic interests in my life. And yes, I am unfortunately one of those people who can't live without romance.
Wish me luck.
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