Because of the times

I've really quite had it with the endless barren landscapes and cold characters and frightening shadows and stomach lurching and blushing when I'm not supposed to and snow constantly covering everything that could be beautiful if given the chance and the rules and obligations that really amount to nothing and don't directly affect my life and the glances that aren't supposed to exist and the preconceived assumptions and distorted reality and wanting such a simple thing as a certain human voice directed towards me so badly that it's almost perverse and my inability to look at people for too long. I will give so much away if given the chance.
Forever,
N

Rant Alert!

Sometimes solitude is the easiest thing to swallow. I can listen to an entire CD without stopping. I can slouch, I can think, really think, think hard about lots of tough subjects. Best of all, I don't have to talk. The majority of people whom I know expect me to keep up a constant stream of meaningless chatter. I'd much rather just not say anything at all if I truly have nothing to say.

I'm not a big fan of teenage fads involving morality. Proudly announcing your "atheism"/lack of spirituality, I'm talking to you. Pretending to be bisexual when in fact the idea of kissing someone of the same sex grosses you out, I'm talking to you. Who ever decided that such things are hip? Why? Did they even realise that this makes all adolescents appear to be cold, callous hypocrites? A fair amount of teens have no idea of what kind of facts could back their ideas up so as to not sound ridiculous and have it be true. Since when has closed-minded refusal of any abstracts been alright? What happened to people with open minds and hearts? It's awfully lonely, when people everywhere have pretty much forgotten about the idea that you don't have to see something to believe in it. What we see are ads for dating companies that promise your soulmate is heterosexual, and "badass" kids who don't believe in anything but themselves once they've made themselves up and bought some nice new grungy-looking clothes from Hot Topic, so as to look even more lifeless than their long-dead sense of romance and wonder. Are you going to believe it just like everyone else? Please!

Phew.
Forever,
N

Let's play a little game

It's called the What If game, and I ask questions that my 2.5 readers are supposed to answer via telepathy.. I've decided to try and live up to this blog's byline. Here we go.
What if... he meant what he said?
What if... he thought about me?
What if... I could see him again?
What if... he didn't want to?
What if... he did?
What if... things would be like they were before? But better?
What if... I didn't make a complete fool of myself?
Do I have any right to be asking such questions?
Forever,
N

Dial your number, you block my call, your back is my wailing wall.

I've been in some sort of funk the past few days. The kind of funk where you're so spacey you accidentally end up brushing your teeth for three extra minutes because you're thinking about something else. Or maybe that's just me. In any case, it would be hard not to write about the goings-on in my little world.
Last week there was some drama in that I completely broke down and let nearly everything out, every emotion, every problem, every struggle that has been clinging to my innards for a while. Not only this, but I had a very serious talk with my mum in which I told her I don't want to live with her anymore. This was all at my friend's house. After arguing for quite a while, a third party talked some sense into her, and the next day she came to pick me up, apparently having been changed. I was so afraid of being alone with her in that car, but she has legal right over me so I had to go. Things turned out to be better. She has calmed down a great deal, and is pretty much unrecognisable from the parent I used to have. At least for now. But I'm happy, because now I know that if I need to run, it'll be much less of a deal than before. I won't have a ton of emotional roadblocks deterring me.
On the more romantic side of things, everything has fallen apart. I had almost completely kicked the habit of thinking about him, when brief contact was made. It isn't completely unexpected. I told everyone the truth; that if he talks to me, I'll be hopeless. It's so true that I think I should become a fortune-teller or one of those people that predicts trends. Ha. Ha. Even worse, he didn't seem to particularly mind me! Ah, things would be different if he hated me. I'd stay away and almost completely forget him. I say almost because I won't technically be actually able to forget him, because of how much of an imprint he has made in my memory. I know my own feelings, as possibly stated in earlier posts, it tends to be the only thing I'm really ever sure of, but these conflict immensely with the fact that I don't want to be on his bad side. I don't want to irritate him, but he doesn't seem irritated. Maybe he's just polite, but I believe he is the sort of person who is capable of expressing their opinion about people regardless of repercussions. He probably has tons just like me. Why do I always secretly try to convince myself that he doesn't, though? Where's the sense in that? Oh, wait, I forgot. I don't really make a lot of sense anyways. I'm quite possibly one of the least rational/objective people that one could get to know.
I'll write when I might make more sense.
Forever,
N
P.S. It's spring.