Still in silence.

Today I was ill. Something like a cold, I'm sure, but I was homebound. Spent the day reading On The Road, listening to music, and wiping my nose. Once I got tired of reading, listening to music, or wiping my nose, I took a delicious nap. The most terrible thing of all is the stupour I am in as of awakening. I woke up and the sun was and still is descending, the clouds turning darker blue by the minute. It was really uncomfortable. I still feel shifty.. this twilight has brought me into a sudden hyper-reality, a rush of focus and clarity that is unnerving. Everything seems like so much more!
My life is slowly changing..
-N

Don't Pass Me By.

Current listening: Weird Fishes/Arpeggi - Radiohead

For about 2 or 3 days, I've been taking the bus home at a certain time, and there's the same bus driver each time. This one is different. He kind of talks to himself and sometimes changes accents. I've been wondering about his life.. he seems very kind. I tend to wonder what it feels like, how he handles driving a bus. What if he lives for driving this bus? Does it calm him? Does is distract him from other things? Does it keep him from thinking about the pain, instead keeps him thinking about the route? When he watches television or a film, does he think about driving the bus? Does he drive the whole day? What's his family like? If he has friends over, does he also mumble to himself? Is he right in the head? Do I have any right to be asking about him?

On the other hand, he might be one of the only normal people I know.

Still a mystery

Sorry about the lack of updates. Wanted to wait for something good.
Halloween is coming up and I am at a loss for words. It's been mysterious lately. Passing through the smoke, sun tinged menacing orange. My vision has been clearer lately, I know what I should do but I don't know when. I don't want to miss out, these things will soon be out of reach! Score one more point for friendship.. it always overcomes, does it not? I took a leap of faith; I refuse to plea insanity. Blindness has never been an option.

Can you dig it?

Listen up.

What is the point of frustrating someone just to show that you won't give them what they want? Why does one fail a test just so that they won't satisfy the giver of the test? That they won't succumb to their desires..? They don't want to do it when someone asks them to, only for themselves..? How is it that people still use "an eye for an eye"? As some famous person said, if that was true, we would all be blind, would we not? Why can't people just try to please someone else for once? Are we all too busy to care about others? I find it a lousy excuse. Even some people with personal turmoils can give a shit about when others need to hear something.

Why can't we all just get along?

Sticky Lingerings.

I'm seriously unsure as to where I will be at the end of this month. In some respects I wear the answer plainly on my heart, but as with most things, it won't be able to take up the whole time.
Sometimes I greet the night with an open window, letting the cool air inside and allowing myself to be swept away in it. It helps me to be alone, and I enjoy it. It's all practice for later on.
I really do understand that the summer is coming to it's conclusion, but I don't want to be aware.. Actually, I don't want to care. Whoever said that "ignorance is bliss" is a fool. Apathy is bliss, because even though you know something, you are distanced enough for it to not affect you.
The leaves are turning yellow. I don't want to see any more.

I'm Good, Thanks.

Wow. Things have changed for me. But that's okay, I'm still the same.
I remember my last form of communication with my non-existent readers was on July 8, and since then more than a month has passed. After embarking on a week's holiday in one of the most heavenly of palaces (in my opinion), I had apparently found my first infatuation. It was painful. I had contortions at times. And my mind was stuck in one spot like a sticky zipper. I got over it in about a week or two, though, and I met my boyfriend.
I wish everyone could know how wonderful it feels to have someone besides your family who sees some good qualities in you, and tells you so. I feel like being nice to everyone in the world after such an occasion, because my day just gets so filled with air that all restraints seem to float away with gravity.
But those days when I am alone I am not unused to it, I just tend to hurt a bit more than before.
To that certain You out there:
I know You will never read this. Ever. But it's still worth turning my thoughts into physical characters.
We haven't known each other for long, but I feel like I have been near You for longer. I'm struggling for words here, and I don't want to sound like I'm suffocating You. I have to say, you are my best friend and more. I really hope You and I can know each other for a very long time. I think You will leave an impact on me, if and when You leave. I hope the same for You, even if it isn't for the better. We still won't forget each other, will we? I'll try not to, in any event. Just keep Your arms open to me later in life and we can reminisce. I want You to not regret any of Your memories involving me. That's all I can really put out there at this moment. I really hope we can watch the stars together sometime, I'm really looking forward to it.
XOX,
____

See you on the 9th

Our town has gone wild. Officially. I have been dared to partake in this chaos... wish me luck. In a few days, though, I'll disappear for a week to a calmer mentality. Hopefully on the beach.

It's weird, for as long as I can remember I've had the strangest dreams out of any of my friends. They're pretty hard to top. Am I insane? Everyone else's dreams make sense.

Meet me at Erlton station.

Happy Birthday, My Baby

It's kind of ironic, being born on the fourth of July and being of much more value to me than that other place. Oh well, we can pretend our neighbours down south know who you are, too. Five whole years, four years and 5 months of that being spent with me. How much is that in dog years? 35, old man! You don't look a day over fourteen. Save for that bit of gray on your face now, but we can say you were born with it, so as not to intimidate the girl next door. Your coat is as shiny as ever, your skulk still resembling a coyote's, and I am amazed that even after being with such dreadful people before us, you still greet each waking moment with a grin. You know what, Andy? Fuck those mean, misunderstanding people we meet outside that you get scared of. Fuck their sheltered lives and their lack of compassion. They just want to scare us with their threats of lawsuit. They aren't worth the shit that I pick up after you.

This might make some people mad.

I have rich friends. It's hard not to in a city that's dripping with oil money. I'm guessing it's even harder to not have a rich friend or two (or five). I guess it's not as drastic as with fur-coated magnates walking into a five-star hotel, while across the street an impoverished family stares at the cement. There still is a noticeable difference. I go to their place more often than they go to mine. Somehow their lives are more easygoing, no matter how much I try to pull off the same. Their pantry is fuller, their houses larger and professionally designed. I'm not bitter, though, because they have good hearts. It is true, they are surrounded by certain spoils (perks? accessories?) that most people would actually have to work for, but they share everything.
For example, Canada Day this year. The day is special enough without the perks and VIP treatment, or for us Snowbirds anyway. My friend with the "connections", well, she got us backstage passes and a rooftop view of the fireworks. The sparklers are still going off.
But don't think I'm ignorant. I do realise this isn't true for everyone in *******, and especially untrue for everywhere else. Not everyone has rich friends.
Am I bitter? No. Am I envious? At times, but then I think how I'm getting along fine without certain desired objects. Am I happy for them? Yes, of course; especially when they don't flaunt their possessions.
So here's to my friends and to hoping they stay kindhearted. Everyone with wealth should look up to them.

A Bit of a Dedication

I can't believe that summer (more importantly, summer vacation) is upon us. I don't know what it was with this year, but summer just seemed like a vague idea, kept inside my cautionary mind for times when work was too boring. I just thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be amazing if it was real? But that won't happen, Neena. You can't enjoy yourself." It seemed like some sort of spiritual achievement, like nirvana or self-actualisation or enlightement (pick and choose). Just some sort of memory, something that even though we crave, we can't ever enjoy it for fear of overindulgence.
And today I felt the first sign that my dream is coming true. The smell of summer is spreading. It's the almost sickly sweet cherry popsicle, dripping all over your hands and running down your forearms while you scramble for napkins. It's the beer that gets spilled on your lawn or deck when you're out there with some good company. It's that kind of lazy, dusty, sunny smell after an afternoon nap. It's in the evening, when a storm is coming and the sun is setting; the air is sticky and humid and you just don't want to go.
I think the yearning is over. Something new has to begin. I have big plans to change my life this summer, even it means more time alone. I'm just a bit dizzy right now (no joke).

I Have To Admit I'm Experimental

Yes, I am vegetarian. Yes, that is an on-off relationship until I learn better self-control. No, that's not what this entry is about.

I have decided, since my birthday is coming up in a matter of weeks (approximately 6.4), to create a wishlist of sorts. This includes, most definitely, things immaterial; and will also include things that I am quite sure to not receive from anyone I know. If you happen to want to give me one of these gifts, feel free to contact me somehow. (I don't discriminate against people who wish to give more than one)

NEENA'S BIG BIRTHDAY WISHLIST (TO BE UPDATED):
-A boyfriend (preferably one being of an excellent wit, loyalty, sense of romance, and extreme fun)
-An interesting job
-Time for me to clean my closet
-Some magical power that enables me to find amazing music
-Self-control
-Patience
-Hair dye
-Some way to make me shorter
-An immense library of amazing books
-An immense library of amazing films
-Space for my two immense libraries (Room of Requirement?)
-A wicked camera (photography classes?)
-A black iPod, 30 GB
-Lots of chocolate.
-Drawing talent (art classes?)

Might as well be added to later.

After Brief Deviation, Normality Seeps.

Went to Virgin Festival this weekend. To say it was mind-blowing is an understatement of the highest degree. Both days were excruciatingly wonderful and it's just tragic that they ended. (Can you tell I'm in a poetic mood?)
Day 1: Fratellis started us off with an amazing set, even though I was sad that I missed the Fast Romantics. Listened to a bit of Secret Broadcast, then lunch consisting of surprisingly good fries and Pepsi. Much too hot to actually eat. Carolina Liar was next. They were alright, bit shaky. Time to wait for their autographs and dance around to Corb Lund (gag), then time for Three Days Grace. I've come to like them now. After getting their autographs, time for the Flaming Lips. How do you spell PSYCHEDELIC? Wayne Coyne (is that it?) surfed the crowd in a huge bubble while 20 people dressed as Teletubbies danced onstage. I hadn't heard much of TFL before, but it was amazing. Something worth keeping an eye on. I wish so much that I could have bought one of their shirts (they say legalise marijuana on the back in Russian), but they ran out. Much too soon for us, the day was nearing an end and we had to leave in the middle of Stone Temple Pilots. I like a certain description of Scott Weiland (?): "arrogant and cocky, lean, mean, and serpentine". It really fits him, I think.
Day 2: Raining in the morning, but apparently it hadn't in Fort Calgary, where everything was as dry as good humour. Attack In Black was our first show to go to, and we just sat there, taping Free Hugs papers to our chests and backs. After that we saw the Whitsundays and bit of the Spades, Stars was alright too. Ten Second Epic... hot. My main attraction (in more ways than one) was City and Colour at 5.10 pm. I will always remember that time. His voice is spectacular; I'm struggling for description of its effect on me. Every song, absolutely EVERY SINGLE SONG I was holding back tears. I didn't dare try and speak or I would have given myself away. During an impromptu "snack" we listened to the only hip-hop artist on the roster: Cadence Weapon. What a brave soul he was. You couldn't say he didn't have stage presence. Only he could have pulled off "I made a deal today - I'M SELLING REAL ESTATE!"
After cooling off with CW, the New Pornographers helped us wade back into familiar, comfortable waters with their slightly poppy sound. It was good enough to hold us until our friend was meeting us for the Tragically Hip Concert. I've never been a tremendous fan of the Hip, and I can't say that the concert converted me. It was still great fun to see the lead singer's antics, though. He must really dislike microphone stands, or else hold them below every other thing on this planet.

As for today, back to school for the second-last of four 1.5 hour segments, and the dramatic contrast struck me in the face repeatedly. Mostly everyone (excluding a few) is so mind-numbingly boring, I think I finally realised how much I truly despise school.
But overall, this past weekend gave the real definition of summer. Forwards we will go.

Quick Entry

Yesterday was the last day of school, today was our first day of exams. Exciting, hey?
I'm thinking of applying for a job not only at HMV but also at Central Blends... There's this one guy who looks exactly like Joseph Fiennes circa Shakespeare In Love.. Unsure how fit I am to work in a coffeehouse, though. Went to Riley Park to people watch and look like a total geek weaving my bracelet. Just thought I needed to update, that's all. I feel like writing but honestly lost whatever I was going to say.

NOTE: Panino = singular Panini = plural; both mean the exact same thing: Goodness
CENTRAL BLENDS SMOOTHIES = HEAVEN
Get the watermelon..

Early to Bed and Early to Rise Makes Jack a Boring Fuck

I'm at my father's place right now, and I am amazed that it's still possible to have 3 generations in one house. Most North Americans need more space than that, but we aren't North Americans.
I saw my best friend and her friend yesterday and Friday. It was hellish getting to meet them because the timing was screwed up, but in the end we found each other. As I was taking the bus home, I began racing raindrops on the window and my eyes paced. I suddenly became more acute in my senses. I could smell the new plastic/vinyl smell in the bus, and the bus driver's cologne. (No, not all buses are like that, that's odd.) The seats were cool and sticky, and the AC was blowing out from under me. I always sit the second row from the front, after the fold-out seats. Click. Tap. Focus. My eyes saw the rain, then the cars outside, (someone was looking at me from their tinted window), then the driver, and finally the people around me. I was rushing through everything, but it wasn't like a panic attack.
Kind of amazing, time went by so leisurely but then someone had to steal the fun.

About Me

Tell Me About Yourself Survey

Name

Nina

Birthday

August 12

Birthplace

Siberian town

Current Location

*******

Eye Color

One light brown, one dark brown

Hair Color

Some weird brown that I have to re-dye

Height

5'7" ish? 167 cm?

Right Handed or Left Handed

Right

Your Heritage

Russian

The Shoes You Wore Today

Converse

Your Weakness

Cult movies, chocolate, piercings, shiny hair, rain, ballroom dance, modern art galleries, British bands, vintage shirts, design magazines, hugs, traveling

Your Fears

the dark, murky water, deep water, freefall, being completely alone

Your Perfect Pizza

Lots of cheese, spicy, soft dough, and toppings that stay on

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year

get a job!!

Your Most Overused Phrase On Instant Messenger

dood

Thoughts First Waking Up

fuck

Your Best Physical Feature

who am I to judge?

Your Bedtime

10-ish?

Your Most Missed Memory

summer

Pepsi or Coke

Coke was first, but the pepsi company has Dr. Pepper

MacDonalds or Burger King

neither - eat healthy

Single or Group Dates

group first dates

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea

..

Chocolate or Vanilla

CHOCOLATE

Cappuccino or Coffee

iced capp

Do you Smoke

NO

Do you Swear

YES

Do you Sing

to myself

Do you Shower Daily

yes

Have you Been in Love

no, too young for it.

Do you want to go to College

yes

Do you want to get Married

yes, but no kids.. I'd lose my temper and kill them in a rage or something

Do you belive in yourself

not really.

Do you get Motion Sickness

nope

Do you think you are Attractive

nope... I'm just myself

Are you a Health Freak

I like healthy food best

Do you get along with your Parents

somewhat

Do you like Thunderstorms

YES OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM

Do you play an Instrument

I play clarinet, some piano, some drums, and I'm teaching myself guitar until I can get lessons

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol

nope.

In the past month have you Smoked

YES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I JUST SAID I DON'T SMOKE

In the past month have you been on Drugs

music?

In the past month have you gone on a Date

nope.

In the past month have you gone to a Mall

yes.

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos

nope.

In the past month have you eaten Sushi

YES

In the past month have you been on Stage

yes... model thing and then dance recital

In the past month have you been Dumped

nope

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping

nope

In the past month have you Stolen Anything

a heart from build-a-bear (shhh)

Ever been Drunk

nope

Ever been called a Tease

not a tease, but I'm apparently a big flirt and I don't even notice it.

Ever been Beaten up

I don't remember these things.

Ever Shoplifted

I was 6 and I thought those gift cards were free so I took like 50 of them

How do you want to Die

Overdose

What do you want to be when you Grow Up

something that makes me happy and is interesting. I took a career test and I'm good for travelling careers or counselling and shit

What country would you most like to Visit

that I haven't visited yet? I'd like to visit Spain

Number of Drugs I have taken

...

Number of CDs I own

am I supposed to count?

Number of Piercings

2 for now

Number of Tattoos

0 for now

Number of things in my Past I Regret

lots

In a Boy/Girl...

Favorite Eye Color

something that I can look into

Favorite Hair Color

dark

Short or Long Hair

medium

Height

at least my height, ok?

Weight

not fat... yes that's shallow but I'm a dancer; I prefer people who stay fit at least

Best Clothing Style

Skinnies, vintage or black stuff
or really artsy... I dig when guys my age wear suits and stuff, it's amazing

Top Ten List - Best Myspace Quizzes

I'm Not Drowning Fast Enough

I'm no good at this blog game. I'll probably give up in a matter of weeks, anyways.

Last night I saw Sideways and it just got me thinking about my life and what I want to do with it. It's set in American wine country, and it reminds me a lot of B.C. wine country. I didn't really care to pay a lot of attention to the plot, I was noticing the way that people there lived. Could I imagine myself in a life like that? Being a wine connoisseur and owning one of those beautiful little houses? The people in the movie weren't really my type, though. I care more about movies and modern art galleries and stuff like that. I don't think I'd like the same music as them when I'm their age. I think I'd be one of those middle-aged people with no kids and who likes world music, not like Sandra Oh's character, who liked jazz and had a little girl. I guess it's sad enough that I'll probably outgrow what I like now, but I have to be prepared to like something else. I learn from others and I hope to whatever Force there is that I won't be one of those stuffy prudish old people who like classical music and bores the shit out of the kids of her friends.

I have to say, I really like the weather in wine country, though.