My mum's Dutch friend

I'll call her Anne.
My mum doesn't have very many close friends, which I think is how it should be. One of her friends is finally finding happiness, and for her it lies in Peru. When asked to name people whom I admire, I always say Anne. She has this light about her, this energy. I find myself wanting to prove myself to her, to connect and say that I'm special like she is, can you feel my energy? I'm spiritual too, just wait until I am your age! I am open and understanding too, isn't it amazing how my mother and I are so different? I want to say all these things and prove myself, but the best part is I don't have to say them. She appreciates me for who I am, and she listens to me. I may not always have a voice, at least in my mother's opinion, but with her I always do. She was married but divorced. She lives on her own with her cats and a horse, but she's leaving the horse here when she moves to Peru. I love that she has found herself and true happiness. Some say she feels the need to find herself because she doesn't have children. I don't agree, or maybe I would deny that truth with all of me if it were true. She's very spiritual, but her head isn't in the clouds. She has a relevant sense of humour, and she's tall and thin and likes taking my dog on hikes. She's moving to Peru and I'm going to miss her.

A letter.

I still know your flat better than the back of my hand. The walls are all creamy white, the stairs leading to where we'd sit and watch crappy action films and had our first kiss on the left, the kitchen where countless glasses of orange juice were consumed on the left as well. The dining nook's on the right, where I had one really nice dinner with you and your mum, although you thought it was awkward and terrible. I'm guessing this is because maybe if she got to know me (which she did) and figured out that I have some substance, she'd figure out that you, doing what you always do, apparently, would hurt me pretty terribly. Which you did. Then there's your old room where everything was happy and cosy and just perfect. You moved rooms when you "felt guilty" last summer. Worried that you were stealing my innocence, which had in fact been stolen from me during my parents' divorce and then the collapse of my mum's second marriage. What always confused me was that you seemed to want to hear about what was making me sad or bringing me down, but you never really wanted to divulge on your side. Sometimes you did, but mostly you didn't. I think I know why that is now.
The room you're in now, I hope the three apple seeds that you successfully planted are growing tall now. Sometimes I see them when I'm waiting to cross the street to get to or from work, and I wonder if you're looking out of your window. I wonder if there's some other girl in there now that's teasing you about the apple seeds, or how silly your pathetic little dog is, or how you're such a paradox. You still have that ocean scene up on the wall opposite the door, and I wonder if you are still putting weights against the door when needed.
Of course I know the lobby, and the stairwell, and especially the distinctive smell that the foyer had.
You hurt me very badly and I hope you never forget what you did. This is like closure for me.

Sickie.

Hmmmm. Seems like everyone's getting sick these days. Hang in there! Slept for about 14 hours today, it was a very good idea to stay home.
It seems like now is the time that I need to start figuring out what to do with "real life". Is it wrong that I am more excited than confused? Sure, the confusion is there, but I'm trying not to let that rule my life. I once read that the easiest way to stay safe when you are alone and lost is to look and act like you know what you're doing and where you're going. I believe this was supposed to be in relation to not getting raped on the street, but I think it more than applies to this and many other situations.
I almost got run over by some blonde 20something in her car 2 weeks ago, my green, her red light whilst turning left onto a 2-way road whilst going over 80km/h.. It makes me think someone is indeed watching over me, because I fell. Not because I was hit, or I tripped, but something pushed me down. I lit a candle and hope that all the people whom I care about have someone or something watching over them.
Forever,
N

Lots and lots

And lots of
Love
Excitement
Frustration
Impatience
Abuse
Patience
Boredom

Switching schools was a bad decision from the start. I don't really remember why I originally did it in the first place. Ah well, I'm going to Spain, expect to hear about that. I finally have a partner in dance again, it's kind of the best thing ever.
I don't understand why girls tolerate so much pushing around. I recognise the trait in myself and I'm not happy. There's just no one out there really quite as good of a fit though in every other respect. I'm also playing the waiting game, have you played that before? I'm investing my time, interest, and multiple energies into something that I can only hope will pay off by the time I'm age of majority. If it turns out it was all for nothing, then prepare for me to delve into complete anonymity as I will have killed someone. I'm only partially joking, really. Love hurts.

Earlier in September we went to BC again and I have decided that I am going to get into wine. It has always intrigued me. One of my first entries was about wine and the film "Sideways". I watched the film again recently and found that it wasn't really as much about wine as I thought, but the fact that it is such a catalyst for change in people is intriguing. People can be red wine people or white wine people. I have yet to find out which I am; as of current, I can't really stand the taste of either. Although maybe I haven't found the right wine. Kind of a catch-22, really.
Either way, it seems like an interesting thing to get into, and with the help of a book called "The Art and Science of Wine" maybe I will be able to create some fine, fine wine.
If anything, you can say you heard it first from me and you used to read my blog before I was famous.
Forever,
N
PS, I have a formspring now. formspring.me/neenochka

Summer trips make me write like I think

We were driving through the Rockies near Golden as I wrote this into a Word document to post later, and I am reminded yet again of how much I adore BC. It’s always so nice to emerge from the pointy incisors of Albertan Rockies and into the kindly old molars that are the BC Rockies, and even the trees are friendlier with leaves instead of needles that are making up a fair bit of the forest now, unfurling themselves so we can see that this is safe, this will not hurt you even though we’re winding through the switchbacks with bated breath, riding a serpentine dust cloud with our fellow motorists trying not to hug the centerline and keep everyone content and Watch out this car is heavier than your car you can’t go so hard on the turns.
I love road trips.




I love BC. I love summer. I love.

Forever,
N

May is Ending

And I am so. Happy. My GOD. It's one of those weird inexplicable happinesses and this is why: work is going okay, school isn't too great, I'm really stressed out and am rethinking a lot of things, but IAMINAGOODMOODWHATTHEHELL,LIFE.
I'll be moving soon and part of this is sorting out what I need and don't need. It's about time this applies to the rest of my life, and have been following suit accordingly. I'm only keeping people in my life that matter and that I want to stick around for a little longer, if not a lot longer. This means cutting some people off, and damn it feels good. Sort of like flushing out some nasty toxins or food that had been lingering in the body for a while. So, friends, feel lucky.
Also I WILL post the Virgin Fest post soon, it's a promise.
Forever,
N

Hedgehog in the Fog

I just wanted to point out to anyone who was wondering: There is little else that's more wonderful than waking up thinking you have to go to school/work/wherever, then taking the day off and sleeping until 1 pm.
Still a little bit dazed, but there's nothing wrong with that.
Forever,
N

Call and response

It's really quite pathetic how rarely I blog anymore.. Now that I think of it, maybe it's a good thing. Life's busy for me now, I've had to put my big-girl pants on and deal with a lot of big-girl problems, no real time to blog about trite subjects. When I say big I don't mean fat, for those who still think of the two as being synonymous.

But anyways, back to you. Someone commented! Some anonymous person shook my proverbial shoulders and told me to update! If you were there, (non)existent readers, when I received the notification, my dancing was glorious. So I decided I should plunk my ass down for the specific purpose of writing a blog entry tonight, we'll see where this goes..

In relation to my previous entry, I can breathe normally again for the most part when thinking about this new situation. Well, more or less normally, anyway. I'm 90% sure I will get hurt again at some point -- but life's short. Youth is shorter. My big aha moment was to fuck all common sense and give into it. Evidently I am a masochist, although I'm quite sure this is nothing new for me to discover.
So I found out one of my shoulders is screwed up. Not fun. In any case the only real conclusion I can take of it is that I definitely am in need of someone else's strong shoulder since my own won't do anymore.

I'm thinking about not living with my mum full-time anymore, it is no exaggeration to state that we argue daily. She talked to her mum on the phone today and I saw clearly that I NEED TO GET OUT before I continue the fucked-up family trait onwards.

Anyways, what's new with you? I sincerely hope nothing like what has been going on with me, all I want is sleep and all I get is yelling.
Forever,
N

osidhwoeigjrnhbeirutyhw

Before my big explosion, am I the only one who thought it was strange that my keyboard mash came up with "Beirut"?
Anyways.....
WhatishappeningwithmylifeohmyfuckwhyareallthesepeoplesuddenylreappearingIdon'tknowwhattodo.
Disenchanted is the word. On another note, my dog is apparently excellent while taking public transit.
Nina's Big Summer Plan:
-Russia trip
-Folk Fest
-Reading a buttload of books
-Penticton
-Kasota
-Summer fling? Maybe, Nina, but get real, you don't move on that fast. FUCK. Well, then again, all it takes is one.

Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

So I'm almost through another February..
If anything I am happier than I was last February. I find myself doing a lot of comparisons to previous years this time of year, something about winter makes introspection a lot easier.
What is it about Valentine's Day that really brings out the extremes in people? Personally I noticed people at their most immature, most cynical, or most saccharine states. There were those who were normal, but they were few and far between. Personally my Valentine's Day wasn't too great. Seeing as I thought a boy and I had something special, I was a bit disappointed but not too much. After all, I should ask for what I want, right?
That's the confusing thing about nowadays - is chivalry dead, or is it not? Are people trying to kill it? Now that women can buy their own things and open their own doors, does it mean that men can't do it for them anymore? And what about it going both ways? So many questions..
Since no one knows me on the internet I think it's safe to disclose that yes, I love someone. For the first time. But I'm sure they don't return that feeling, it seems to have been forced out, those words. If there are any older readers out there, think back to the first time you were sure you loved someone. Remember that feeling? Hold it. Don't forget it.
Forever,
N

I like this way of thinking.

A while ago I read somewhere that when you die, all the dogs you've ever known in your life come up to greet you. I sincerely hope this is true, and for at least the first 100 years of my afterlife I will be petting them and loving them, and it will be happy.

Forever,
N

2010 Update

For New Year's 2000, I was at the house of a Russian family we used to know through my ballet lessons. We listened to pop music, played games, and I didn't understand what was meant by the phrase "the new millenium". I knew about Y2K, though, for some strange reason. My parents were still together, we had lived in Canada for only three years. I'd already met my best friend.
For New Year's 2010, I was at my house, as in the one with my mum, having a Russian-style party (see? one similarity!) with her friends. I understand the significance of the new millenium now, but I'm not quite sure I'm able to fathom the importance of a decade into it. I have survived Y2K, SARS, Anthrax, 9/11, bird flu, swine flu, a creepy jerkoff of an ex-boyfriend, and a UTI. For some strange reason, I am aware of 2012 but am trying not to freak out too hard. I have two new half-siblings in my life, mourned the loss of the best German Shepherd ever, and welcomed a new German Shep cross into my life to fill the void.
I have acquired a license to drive, although I seriously doubt I'll get myself a car. Still dancing, still schooling.
RESOLUTIONS:
-Learn how to write with my left hand
-Snowboard in a bikini
-Be less of a doormat when appropriate
-Stick with Spanish, French, and try to learn Japanese (Arabic is a maybe)
-Guitar!
-Whiter teeth
-Follow the Golden Rule
-Geek down.
I hope everyone's 2KX is spectacular.
Forever,
N
PS I promise I'll get that VFest post up when I'm in the mood!!